Going through my stuff, trying to sort and declutter before packing them up for a move in less than three weeks. I’ve only packed 4 boxes (and two large bags of books) but I already feel it’s too much. How will I fit everything I want to keep into the 20 or 25 boxes I have? There is still so much to go, still so much.
In the meantime, to give myself a kick in the proverbial butt I’m listening to YouTube videos about decluttering, minimalism, simplifying life and such. I was listening to Lewis’ interview with Joshua when the feeling of suffocation, anxiety and hopelessness came over me.
There’s these boxes that I have put in the storage cupboard upstairs that I was thinking about, ‘I can just throw them out because I haven’t opened them up since I moved in here’ (6-7 months ago). But to evaluate if something is trashworthy or donatable, I had to go through them. And voilà, I took most things and decided to keep them. Because, I thought ‘Ah, these are x, y, z that I don’t use regularly but it could be used, I can sow these seeds and I can use this and that for doing such and such’.
Listening to this interview didn’t calm me down, no. BUT. It gave me some perspective.
Joshua talks about someone who builds houses for people, but not the usual way of asking what areas, rooms they want to have, but he asks them about their life and he plans and builds a house that matches their life. (Is it just me who thinks it’s a great idea?! Your home is for you, not vice versa.)
Often, when I imagine my “new“* life, I see a calm, serene, simple place but then I turn to my things and I start to look at them thinking, ‘this (and this and this and that…) is something I want to have’. How can my vision be so distant from my actual, real-life world? How can my possessions have such control over me , tying me down when in my mind, there is a place where I can enjoy my life, create and recreate and contribute? What is that line that keeps these two worlds apart? Where is this border built, this lock implemented in me that doesn’t let my thoughts realize?
*not really new, rather the intended one!
As if I were peeking through two different windows.
One lets me into a clean space, where you feel as if lifted by wings, the other overlooks a place that is greedy(?), material, crowded, cramped with stuff, that vibrates anxiety, screams what-ifs, just-in-cases, how-much-you-spent-on-mes.
Why is it so hard to let things go? There can’t be anything (or only very few items) that could have such value that you’d want to hang on to. Why is it so hard to let go? As if things would tie you up with long, sneaky arms, slimy like seaweed.. they hang onto you as scared children onto their mothers when they are first left at the nursery.
Why is it that in one moment I feel I want to get rid of e v e r y t h i n g and in the next I’m afraid to put a plant pot in the “donate” pile?!
Let me sit down, imagine my future home and my intended, freed self and let me absorb the simplicity and cleanness of my surrounding that exist only in my mind. For now.